Stronger Than Pride

30 luglio 2011 8:45am

About 39,000 feet above Nice, France 4 hours outside of Rome, Italy

How does the beginning of the song go? "I won't pretend, that I intend to stop living.
I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving, but I can't hate you. Although I have tried. I still really really love you." That's it right?

That is one of the elements of heartbreak. Loving and then hating. Trying to hate more because of your pain, but love winning because in the end we are all born out of love and it really does win.

The walking through it however tends to be a test of your will and faith. You move through your day to day doing your level best to "live", but you really just want the world how you are experiencing it to end. The breaths you take begin to feel like a chore and the notion of having to endure another moment of wandering as you carry the heavy yet hollow feeling of love loss is too much. I have to admit that my world ending has often times lately been more of a solace. Just to stop the wounds from stinging, the voices from telling me I'm unworthy and unlovable, and the memories from flashing. I can't allow it to end though. I am starting to understand how much of a fighter I really am. So I keep fighting.

My ideas about love, what it is, what it means to me and what I want/need for it to be have matured with every relationship. First, I just wanted to be with somebody. Love was new, so it was cute and endearing. Next I had to learn about the giving and taking that takes place in a relationship and about fidelity. Then came the lessons about trust, communication, manipulation, disappointment...real intimacy.

I am learning a new love lesson now. How to love me. I honestly have no clue how to do this. What I believed loving myself to be was actually me being selfish and letting fear take over. What I do know, is that I have to surround myself with people who are willing to celebrate me...with me.

As we start to descend into Rome I think of many things. The person whom I still call the love of my life, although he may or may not feel the same. About the opportunity I'm realizing I have been given to rebuild with the pieces I have. Just glimpses into creating the extraordinary life I so often dream of.

The humility and spirit that love engenders is so much more powerful than my pain will ever be. May that spirit reign as I begin a celebration of who I am and who I am becoming.

Ciao,

-sb