So here I am again. I am living in a different spirit. I am still in reflection, but I'm not judging and beating myself down anymore. I am just learning more about who I am and why. Coming to accept the many things that make me who I am and walking head up, face forward as a new man. Well not a new man, but the man inside me that has been trying to make his presence known.
Who is this man? I am hoping that you'll be able to share the highlights of this part of my experience to see for yourself. All of the wonderful things I've learned that life has to offer; my inspirations, my dreams, my ideas, my reflections and perception on the wonders of what is and will be my life as I see it.
For a moment, I questioned who I am. I allowed other's feelings about me and my experiences with them, hurt that I've caused, and damage from my past (that tried to creep into my present) to hinder me from growing into this man that I see myself as. It is an ongoing process of honestly searching my heart, being in vigilant prayer to my Father, and often times lately just letting out my deepest emotions through tears and letting the hurt go. It is a journey.
I am traveling down a road that will lead to my joy, my success, a beautiful family, and another chapter in the best part of my life. Although in the back of my heart and mind the hurt lingers slightly and at times I have moments where I don't let my faith and instincts lead me. I am nonetheless determined to move forward. To continue down the road I was traveling before I took a bit of a detour. Well, it wasn't a detour so much as it was that I invited someone to travel with me who thought they would give it a try.
When they decided to leave my company rather abruptly it seemed, I had to sit on the side road for a minute and figure out what happened. As things were passing me by on the road I was asking myself questions like: What did I do wrong? Did I abuse the trust we were trying to build? Was I not being honest about who I was, where I was at in my life, and my intentions? Did I not try to show the appropriate love? Did I in anyway neglect his soul and spirit? Was I open and available to let whatever would happen take place?
After talking with them, the answer to the first question...no, I didn't do anything wrong. The answer to the other questions...yes. Real simply: they aren't ready to travel with me. They are not in the frame of mind to be totally concerned about who I am and provide the same level of love and protection to my soul and spirit that I am for theirs. In this part of my journey I have learned that hurt does not immediately go away. You have to LET it go away. It's a price I had to pay.
So today, I can adjust the focus to me and get back on that road. There are not enough words to describe how much I miss my travel companion, but I truly respect their journey and the road they need to travel. However, I have to respect mine, more. If you love somthing set it free right? If it was yours to begin with it will come back to you.
Hopefully we'll travel together again. Who knows if that's even meant to be? Who really knows what's meant to be until we come across it and take it in right? I can't dwell on what will be when I need to concern myself with the present. I am happy taking just myself and this man I have found dorment in my soul along with me for now. In all of the highs and lows that I have experienced up to now, I am better for it, and will continue to be better.
"I am not now what I was yesterday. I am not now what I shall be tomorrow. So you do yourself an injustice to judge me by yesterday, when I have moved on." - from The Mastas by Freddie Foxxx featuring M.O.P.
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