...go to commercial

I feel at a loss sometimes to describe what...I hate calling him my ex. That isn't an appropriate word and for me it doesn't do what I thought he and I had justice. Nor does the word ex clearly convey how I feel about him. Let's just call him C.B. Ok! I am at a loss sometimes to describe what C.B. and I went through during the time we were together. I do know that there were cycles of pain we were both experiencing in our lives and being together (and not really dealing with and exorcising our demons individually and with each other)intensified the pain on many levels. When it was good...it was very good I thought and now that it has ended, I just have so many questions. Incidentally friends, acquaintances, and old friends/dates of his have found it necessary to update me on what I guess they presume to be going on with him. Seriously though, I don't talk about it anymore because all of the things I want/need to say I would prefer to say to him. What's ironic is that most of the things I'm told I knew and others at this point don't matter because what's done is done. He has also invented or created if you will a new life and experience for himself. One he seemed to be working on during our last days (God bless!). The whole of the situation is incredibly tragic at times because it's like that part of my life has been reduce to some pathetic bad black SGL (same gender loving) reality show. Yet, we watch anyway and pick apart, cackle, and two snaps up the lives of people we really don't know. The fades to black leave us to judge the outcome, and we have no problem with jumping at the opportunity. What really goes on behind the scenes though is the complexly intricate and layered interaction between human beings doing their best to make change out of a penny. That's what I feel like he and I were at times. All these story lines happening simultaneously that we only seemed to be living out in snippets with each other. So there is never any continuity. You get to what you think is the good part and then...scene change! Or..."Commercial!"(in my best Ruby Rod voice). Every episode introduces new characters, plot changes, twists and turns and you never see a fully realized plot. It's fucking exhausting to watch until eventually the cast is changed and the show? Canceled. What a way to milk a damn metaphor right? I guess my point, is that I don't feel like C.B. and I were in the same place...possibly ever. Its like we were in the same relationship, but experiencing it in two very distinct and separate ways. The heart breaking part part for me, is that we shared a home and I came to set and found out I had been replaced. By what, whom, or why even? I'm not too sure, but it's clear that I was no longer needed or wanted. I move through it day to day. Some days of course are better than others, but again I am at a loss when it comes to about it. I got nothin'! Thank God and the Universe for family, friends, my spirituality, and the God given ability I have to be introspective and intuitive. An ability that I have taken for granted, but an ability that has saved me and inculcated in me the many lessons I learned in loving C.B. I believe that it will only get better. Love you! -SB

You. Me. Hindsight

In hindsight... I knew you didn't love me when you came to bed and said you were cold, when I was there to keep you warm. When I broke down and said that you didn't like me. I knew was right. I let my emotions get the best of me, but I knew I want crazy. I took on your shit and stopped loving who I am. When the first reasons for wanting to be with me weren't "because I love you and I want to be with you." That should have been a sign. When we were done and you said ,"How's that for being desired?" It was definitely more of an effort than desire. I should have let you break up with me when you said you needed time and space. Letting me make love to you was just an experiment for you...not love. I should have challenged you more. I know that you didn't love me as much as I loved you. I knew you were having conversations about y(our) future with everyone but me. You should have been man enough to say that you didn't want to be with me...before we lived together. Maybe you were playing a game because you had no place to go. You had no intentions on telling me til you were far enough away. Antagonist was passive aggressive. You gave it your best try, but love is not unsure. Although I tried to make our home feel like yours, I feel as though you would've preferred I not have been there. I never imagined I could hate another human being, but I hate you.